I’ve learned a lot of lessons in my short time here on earth, and it doesn’t seem that the lesson-learning will end any time soon. Usually, these lessons are after years and years of struggling to understand or comprehend why certain things happen. When I do finally get it, it’s a huge epiphany.
One particular, lesson, however, has never let up.
I’ve never been a pursuant in relationships outside of what I have in friends and family. I see loved ones around me finding love, and I have a calloused resolve. One might blame it on heartbreak of the past, seeing too many relationships fail miserably, or whatever, but I try not to be so dramatic in my normal every day life. I save the drama for the stage.
None of what I say reflects badly on any individual. My struggles are my own. I met someone last year that I thought was pretty profound. We got to know each other quickly and our time together ran out just as quickly. What I told my friends was, much to their laughter, that I shed approximately three tears, drank a glass of wine, ate some chocolate, and got over it. He thought I was more of a booty call, and I thought of him as more of a person…but that could just be the bitterness coming out ever so slightly.
I won’t even go into the next guy. I still have too much respect for him to say anything against him, although I know many people who feel differently. I wish him the best in everything he does.
But it’s not easy to come back from things like that when it’s so rare to put yourself out there. You find yourself wishing…wishing things would be different. Maybe if I was prettier. Maybe if I didn’t push too hard. Maybe if I had even the slightest bit of confidence. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
There was one particular night where I sat down with clouded judgement in anger. I asked God through teary eyes, “Why? Why, if everyone else can find love, can’t I? Why is it so difficult for me? Why did you make me unlovable?” I wasn’t talking to God in prayer. I was talking to God in anger and frustration, almost like I was talking at Him as if his grand scheme was stupid. In my eyes, at the time, it was stupid.
But if you open up a conversation with God, prepare yourself for the message He gives you. In a soft, lulling voice that I can only explain as His own, I heard His message. He wasn’t angry at my anger. He wasn’t frustrated by my lack of faith. He was patient. He was kind.
“I am more than enough.”
And He was right.
When had my focus shifted from God to myself? God, who is to always be the center of my life–my ALL– took a back seat to my own wants and desires. My world had shifted, ever so slightly, to revolving around me instead of Him. It was about what I wanted, the money I wasn’t making, the problems I was having, the love I wasn’t finding here on this earth, when the obvious answer was staring me right in the eyes.
He is more than enough.
So I stopped looking for the romanticism in a relationship here on this earth. God’s love is perfect and He is more than enough for me. I’ve made a vow to myself to restore Him as the center of my life and remove my flawed self from the equation. I must also learn to love myself, and that includes what I see when I look in the mirror. Am I the type of person I would want to be around? Am I still keeping positive or have I resorted to my cynical nature?
And for goodness sake, I have to quit taking all of my accomplishments for granted. I’m an internationally distributed filmmaker. I’m a published author. I started a theatre. I’ve been paid to act professionally. I may not have found love like many others my age, but by God I love what I do.